THANKS A LOT
by DarkPhoenixBC
Summary: How things would have gone for the Fellowship if Legolas had been played by me. (Based on the true on the way I played LOTR-TT for XBOX.)


**TITLE:** Thanks A Lot!  
**AUTHOR:** DarkPhoenixBC  
**RATING:** PG13 (for mild language)  
**SUMMARY:** How things would have gone for the Fellowship if Legolas had been played by me.  
**NOTES:** Story is told disjointedly, a combination of the narration of what's happening on-screen while I play, and one of my own actions, described as Legolas. (Ex: Legolas hiding under a coffeetable is me, but jumping behind a boulder is the CG character.)  
**DISCLAIMER:** If I owned LOTR, why would I call it _fan_fiction, eh? The only bit of Middle Earth I own is a couple of books, an action figure, and two copies of THE ONE RING, which don't even work. So there.

**THANKS A LOT**

"Legolas. You scout ahead. Gimli, go with him." said Aragorn in a commanding tone. The Dwarf nodded and turned to face the Elf he was partnered with.  
  
Legolas stood there for awhile, staring off into the distance. Everyone looked expectantly at him. Suddenly, he shook himself and jumped backwards into the air. "Scout ahead got it! Okay!" he hopped again. "Wow, check it out. I can jump BACKWARDS! Yahoo! Hippity-hoppity, hippity-hoppity, hippity..." he continued jumping backwards around in circles for awhile. Gimli followed after him in the circuit, until finally he started to head towards the edge of the cliff thingy they were standing on. Legolas ran straight into an invisible wall and stopped hopping. "Hmm..." he hit the white button one more time for good measure, and started running down the path...  
  
"Come on Gimli, you big fat tub of chicken dough! Keep up!" Legolas yelled over his shoulder. Gimli was trotting faithfully and steadily behind. Suddenly, the world gave a little shiver, and ORCS jumped out of nowhere! "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! HELP!" the Elf screamed, and ducked under a coffeetable, the controller flying just out of reach. Gimli grunted happily and started hacking the dark creatures to bits, whilst Legolas bravely cowered until he could be coaxed out by the owner of the Xbox.  
  
"Good job. Looks like Dwarves are good for SOMETHING." sneered the Prince of Mirkwood when it was all over. He ran around picking up arrows and assorted bits and pieces, and smiled manically. "Let's go!"  
  
Not far along, another similar attack occured. This time however, Legolas remembered to press the O, X, / and buttons, and kicked the shit out of plenty of Orcs before having to use a cheat code to replenish his health. Thus empowered, the two continued to "scout", although neither was really sure what that meant. So far it meant "run along the trail ahead of us and kill anything that might try to kill us, or die trying". And while Legolas was very much tempted to go straight back to the rest of those mincing midgets and smelly upstart mortals, he knew his sense of duty wouldn't let him stop until his quest was finished. And also, he knew that the Orcs would attack him again at each and every spot, and he didn't feel like kicking the same CG ass over and over again.  
  
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a rain of flaming arrows fell upon them. Legolas screamed and jumped behind a conveniantly placed boulder. Gimli however, stood there and stared up at the firing Orc hoarde, apparently short enough to let each and every arrow fly right over his head. It took Legolas ten whole minutes to remember which button to use to guard his head from the arrows, and another fifteen to run straight through.  
  
This kind of thing continued to happen to them for a long time.  
  
Finally, they came to a place where they could get lost for hours, and had to call in The Big Guy to take them through the accursed maze without getting lost. During this time, Legolas stole Gimli's Gameboy and played Pokemon Gold until they were through. Just as he was about to throw the offending game-wannabe, they were out.  
  
A lake-like thingy stretched before them. Gimli charged ahead and again slaughtered the majority of the Orc hoarde. Legolas drew an arrow and picked off a few himself, but mostly let the Dwarf take care of the dirty work. After all, that's what he was there for. He was the indestructable sidekick.  
  
Suddenly, all went silent.  
  
"Fell creature." whispered Legolas, as a wickedly tentacled creature vaguely resebling a mutant squid rose out of the water. "Hey Gumli, do me a fav..." Legolas started to yell, but stopped short when he saw a giant tentacle reach out and slap the Dwarf across the face, effectively knocking him out.  
  
"Oh, thanks a lot, Gumli. Some indestructable sidekick YOU are. Getting knocked out right when the BOSS appears." muttered Legolas angrily, as he stalked forward, knives in hands, to slash the squid-poser into sushi, all at the direction of the dozen or so veteran players standing around him. He starte hacking at the giant eyeballs, ignoring screams such as "Yeah!", "Get him!" "Awesome!" and "LOOK OUT HE'S COMING OUT OF THE WATER OH NOOOOOOOO!!!!" Until finally he was strangled to death by a stupid tentacle.  
  
The End.


End file.
